About

Big about page. Lots of space to fill. Sit down, crack knuckles, stare at screen…. go blank. Bugger. Then start to worry about leaving too much information online, so that my identity can be stolen….

Well, that was the first attempt. Then I realised that with my credit rating, someone who steals my identity is going to try to give it back as quickly as possible, before the bank catches up with them. “I have stolen your identity! now I will use it to…oh bugger…pay back your overdraft…hang on! This isn’t the way it’s supposed to go! I read about this on the internet! I’m supposed to take out loads of spurious loans in your name, not find people visiting my house and repossessing my television! Arrggghhh!”

I tell you, all this consumer debt is just a way of putting I.D. thieves out of business. If we’re all broke, then there’s no point in stealing my I.D, right?

So anyway, me. I’m the laziest person I know, yet also one of the cleverest (in case you think I merely say this to cover my own stupidity, I have an I.Q. of 177, so fuck you). I used to be a Royal Marine, but I left during training because my feet hurt. As did the rest of me. Possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. I hope I learn from this, but I somehow doubt it. That would be crediting myself with reserves of common sense that I’m not all that sure I possess.

What else to say? I educate children, although I spend a lot of time simply telling them to be quiet. You’ll be amazed how much noise a group of 11 year olds can make, although perhaps not. I spend far too much time on the internet. I watch football but can’t really form an opinion on it, so I rely on newspapers to tell me what to think. I like martial arts, although I’m rooted to the floor because I really really really can’t jump. I exercise, mainly due to an enormous streak of vanity. I also drink far too much and have a tendency to disgrace myself when doing so. This is a probably my biggest vice, though I’ve been getting better at it recently. Honest.